Ah, yes. The joys of youth when ignorance was bliss and a casual “idunno” was a free pass to the next adventure.
Being a human being is indeed a complex endeavor that merely reciting the Lord’s Prayer or the Apostles’ Creed can’t fix. We have to live out those convictions. I’m going to go way out on a limb with this response, as I rarely go as deep publicly about what I believe; but for you I’m letting my Jesus flag unfurl.
Being a human being who is aware of what’s going within themselves, owning all that stuff, sorting it out, and then add to that interacting with others in a manner that is genuine and not self-serving is a boatload of work. It’s a lifelong process and not for the faint of heart. It takes conviction. I think back to when I was seeing a therapist in California. I knew “me.” I knew I could fake being engaged, hide emotionally, withdraw, parrot answers, etc. I could summon all the defense mechanisms people use to avoid getting their hands dirty while sorting out their own shit. I challenged my therapist on our second session to meet me halfway and get his hands dirty while helping me things out. At the same time, I was challenging myself to do the same. I just needed to know I wasn’t going to be doing it all on my own.
It’s ironic how the Bible doesn’t advocate spewing a few rote prayers and moving on. God’s all about the relationship. Ours with him and ours with others. Period.
You’re a very charismatic (no pun intended) person and from my laptop, some 2,700 miles away, I can see that you’re well into your spiritual journey. Yeah, I know we’re all on a journey; but yours I can see. Since I’ve been on Medium and discovered your writings, I’ve seen some subtle shifts in tone, subject matter, and delivery. Don’t get me wrong. You’re writing is undeniably you, but I guess what I’m saying is that “I’m” seeing growth … not that the Ezinne from 12 months ago was stagnant or any less vibrant. I see you blooming.
Frankly, I’m convinced you still believe in God. Maybe I’m projecting, but trust me, if you didn’t believe in God you wouldn’t have been able to have those two prayers fall off your lips with ease and fervor. See the thing about faith or belief or whatever people want to call it is that as humans we’ll NEVER have perfect faith this side of Heaven. I know truly Godly people who still have moments of doubt or uncertainty about some aspect of their walk with God. But you know what? That’s cool. God can handle that. That’s why He sent his son who said he will never leave or abandon us. Boom. Periods of doubt? God’s got that covered.
With the aid of the “good stuff” or not, He’s still got you in His hands, EU.
Funny, when I read “I know you believe in God…” I’ll admit I was a little presumptuous in assuming you were addressing me directly. Ha! But, uh, no. I don’t think you’re a douche. You don’t really think you’re the only person who’s trying to finagle a revelation out of God, do you? Child — I use that as a term of endearment, of course — everyone since Adam and Eve has been about the business of playing “Let’s Make a Deal” with the Almighty.
If you show me who you are, I’ll do x.
If you’ll let me do x, then I’ll know you’re for real.
Both of those translate into the old “if you love me, you’ll do x.” Can you say “manipulation?” No, my dear. You’re not the only one. Welcome to the human condition. LOL!
[sheepishly raising my hand]
I’m going to just cut to the chase here. The wonderful thing about salvation, which I’d be willing to bet vast sums of money has already been worked out for you, is that it’s not based on performing a certain a way or how we feel. It’s rooted in two things: 1) Christ’s work for us on the cross; the debt’s been paid, 2) God’s love for us and his ability to keep his promises. There’s nothing we can do to make him love us more. No number of novenas, Hail Marys, genuflects, mission trips, or anything else that’s going to make him love us more than he already does. You accepted him as Lord and Savior, that’s the end of it. And if you love Him, you follow his teachings.
Yeah, I know I’m probably preaching to the choir, but every now and then we all need a refresher. LOL!!
As for cursing Jesus, I don’t know about that one, but I do know that his love is WAY bigger than our anger. He knows our hearts, our frailties, and those things that trip us up. I’d be willing to bet you’re still in the fold. He knows you’re looking. The fact that you’re waiting to go to Heaven, says something about your faith.
And drop that guilt. That’s a wasted emotion. Confess whatever you feel bad about and move it. It’s all covered.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think we’re all going to Heaven either. Jesus has already told us that the gate is wide and the road is broad that leads to destruction, but the gate is small and the road narrow that leads to life. Keep looking for him, my dear. And believe you’ll find the answers.
Here’s why I really enjoy your writing and believe you’re going to be just fine. You have this desire to separate the truth from the lies. I’ve noticed that in a lot of what you write, you identify that which is unjust, untrue, unloving, and that which does not honor. Those that don’t have light in them don’t do that. Embrace all that you and strive to become all that God created you to be.
It may sound corny, but … Jesus loves you.
Have a great week!